very chill blog bout death
Naturally turbulence makes you zoom out on your life. Evaluate some things. And what i realized just now is I think in certain situations (ie turbulence) I can quell my anxiety, mentally at least, to a certain degree because I am in fact able to zoom all the way out. By that I mean I think I realized tonight that I have accepted the inevitability of death! Mazal tov to me. No but like I think I really truly have internalized death as a concept and have processed that it will and could happen to me at any second. So I feel better about the turbulence because I can zoom allllll the way tf out and see that the worst case scenario is that I’d die. Which I have made my peace with, and know is going to happen anyway, so huzzah! Yeah experiencing death when you’re younger really does some shit to your whole life like boom you’re grappling with the whole timeline of all the things and you can’t even rent a car lmao like hello
The vibes are obviously zany and unhinged tonight. I stared at the flight attendant doing drink service in the aisle and thought of how my dad would always ask for a mix of half orange juice and half cranberry juice. I woke up 3 days ago and missed my dad so much, first thing in the morning just felt the lack of him in my life, the gap he’s left. I still think of holding his hairy hand whenever I take off in a plane, my family all four of us would hold hands - across the aisle and all - whenever we took off on a flight together. Weird to not be a foursome anymore, still weird
I looked over at the dude sitting next to me and for some reason imagined his hands smelled like crayons. Perhaps I will sneak a sniff and see if I’m right!
Anyway yes vibes are bizarre I am probably going to start my period today or tomorrow.
I’m flying to visit my girlfriend who is on tour in Europe - my girlfriend is also probably the reason (and the only person who will read this) I am writing this as they said they like my writing on account of my voice is very present in it and that is a good thing for them on account of they love me, my writing ~~my voice~ probably just reads like 1 very long run on sentence to anyone who does not feel these feelings for me,,,,But I digress. I think I’ve given myself a headache now from staring at this phone
